12.01.08

WORLD AIDS DAY

Just an icebreaker.
♥ ♥
♥ ♥
♥ ♥
Doesn't matter.
It's all love.

Anywhoo, blogging and I have recently rekindled our relationship and settles our differences. Finally back on the market as an exclusive couple. I missed you so much, Blogger.

Let me catch you up on life...

School - This semester SUCKED. I officially have NO clue what I'm doing with life. Regardless of your thoughts (though I do value your opinion on my decisions) I am taking action and doing the following: taking a semester or two off from school, getting my license and changing my name (as and you shall receive...the story, that is) and get a job. Help my family out, if only just a little bit, and spend [more] time with the ones I love. Decide what I'm going to major in, get at LEAST an AA and maybe, but not guaranteed, transfer.

Love - I don't know. Lust, affection and attention seems to be a more prominent thing than love. I don't like anyone...well, anyone solid. I have several hopefuls but nothing else. I hatehatehate being lonely during the holidays. This will be my third year alone. :( sad sad.


Family - is...absolutely out there and insane. Chaotic to put it nicely. But everything is so...blissful...and I finally love and feel loved by them.


Self - Hi. My name is Monica Elizabeth Ortiz and I have self-respect and confidence again. I feel empowered and nothing is getting me down. And I'm going to be nicer to everyone.

Well, bye for now. Gotta continue writing my essay. Ciao!

Vive L'Amour~Princess Peach

10.14.08

Now Playing: Matt Nathanson - Car Crash

I'm wide awake and so alive
Ringing like a bell
Tell me this is paradise
And not someplace I fell
'Cause I keep on fallin' down

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

Just push me 'til I have to fly
I've shed my skin, my scars
Take me deep out past the lights
Where nothing dims these stars
Nothing dims these stars

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

So right
It's all wrong

I'm wide awake and so alive

I wanna feel the car crash
I wanna feel the capsize
I wanna feel the bomb drop, the earth stop
'Til I'm satisfied
I wanna feel the car crash
'Cause I'm dyin' on the inside
I wanna let go and know
That I'll be alright, alright

UPDATE:
-Sigh-
I felt like I had one last night, a car crash. Why does it seem like this man gets me, and only me? I guess that's the best kind of artist; one that makes you feel like it was written only for you.
Because I feel transcendent after my own ill-caused pain.
I put on my Rainbows this morning. They didn't fit right. I was wondering who the owner of these misfit sandals. It wasn't me. The me on the inside was broken and so was the outside. Maybe I shed everything over last night's sleep. Because I woke up this morning, struggling to get off the couch, to remove the covers and expose my raw, punctured flesh to the world. I was disappointed in myself. I know she was too, the only person who gets me through it. I want her to know I was almost gonna end it all, but I didn't. I couldn't. She makes me hopeful, that loving friend of mine.

I don't know where my head is, or my heart. They've drifted along somewhere else....somewhere outside of me.

But that was then. Today, I'm happy, I'm ALIVE. And that's the best thing I can ask for. I look better, and feel better. Something happened in last night's dreamless sleep. I can't explain it, but I have a new love for life. And I hope to shine it upon to the world.

On a brighter note...
I love youuuu. <3
[Just everyone.] :D

10.07.08

Hello, blogging world.
I'm back!

Now Playing: Colbie Caillat - Droplets

I'm leaving you
I'm not sure if that’s what I should do
It hurts so bad
I'm wanting you but can't go back
Trying to find, to find
That all elusive piece of mind
Stuck here somehow
Shrouded beneath my fear
And now I don’t need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting for
The droplets, droplets

You left a mark
I wear it proudly on my chest
Above my heart Above my heart
To Remind me that I feel the best
When I'm with you When I'm with you
To me everything is effortless
You know it's true
My eyes are painted with regret and I don’t need it

Cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you, is you my love
And my head is in a cloud of rain and the world it seems so far away and I'm just waiting to fall and sink into your tears

You are like the raindrops, the raindrops falling down on me

You left a mark you left a mark
She left a mark he left
She left he left
And I don’t I don’t
Need it. Need it

I'm over you! I'm over you making me feel like this without telling me ANYTHING in return! You are a huge amount of stress on me, and I can't stand it! Either we're on it or over. Just tell me. I will always be your friend, and sadly, always love you, but I can't stand being in love with you if all you're going to do is jerk me around like a lame dog on a chain.

So, I need to kick it into HIGH GEAR!
BERKELEY // 2010-2012
I'm starting to dislike school, but it can't happen!
NO, MONI! Ok, that's enough of that. :)
I think it's because I'm not socializing with enough people. I need to. Especially that one REALLY HOT guy in my World Religions class. :) Oh, baby. ♥

Haha. I don't know what else to say!

08.23.08

Song Playing: Maroon 5 - "Nothing Lasts Forever"

It is so easy to see
Dysfunction between you and me
We must free up these tired souls
Before the sadness kills us both
I tried and tried to let you know
I love you but I'm letting go
It may not last but I don't know
Just don't know
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
A bed that's warm with memories
Can heal us temporarily
The misbehaving only makes
The ditch between us so damn deep
Built a wall around my heart
I’ll never let it fall apart
But strangely I wish secretly
It would fall down while I'm asleep
If you don't know
Then you can't care
And you show up
But you're not there
But I'm waiting
And you want to
Still afraid that I will desert you, babe
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
Tough we have not hit the ground
It doesn't mean we're not still falling,
Oh I want so bad to pick you up
But you're still too reluctant to accept my help
What a shame, I hope you find somewhere to place the blame
But until then the fact remains
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes you so hard to stay
Nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way
Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

I'm gonna learn how to play this song. Sorry, I had to put on the entire lyrics.

Happy 19th birthday, Matt!

:D

Anyways...

I'm in organization mode. Which I only get into when I'm extremely stressed out.

I cleaned pretty much my whole house in two hours. Now I'm doing my closet.

I'm not gonna be spending too much leisure time in my room anymore.

School starts Monday. I'm anxious. Nervous. So nervous. But I know everything's going to work out just fine.

My heart is still beating while it's in pieces. Damn...that hurt more than I anticipated it to.

I hope that I'll have a nice family dinner. Then hopefully Kathy's party thing. I'm psyched.

I watched Enchanted and Across the Universe today. So happy. [:

Can't wait to get back into writing...maybe I'll sketch more now too.

I'm really happy as to where I am in life. I'm looking forward to the future...and even today.

The only downfall is that I've become emotional again...

Really emotional. I guess that's what heartache does to ya.

Anyways, I'm gonna go.

Je t'aime. <3

08.20.08

Song Playing: Michelle Branch - "Breathe"
"Well it's all so overrated/In not saying how you feel/So you end up watching chances fade/And wondering what's real/And I Give you just a little time/I, Wonder if you realize/I've been waiting till I see it in your eyes..."

Geez, it seems like I haven't done this in ages...it's ridiculous. I am hardly ever at a computer anymore...only through iPhones that really upset me from time to time.

Anyways, this week is the week of take cares, I'll talk to you laters and goodbyes.
Rather sad, seeing as two out of three of my original friends from pre-school are gone. One about 8 hours away at Chico State and the other is in Texas, doing boot camp for the Air Force.
Luckily, I still have one of my best friends here, and I'm sure we'll leave around the same time. [:

I have to be grateful for what I have, but sometimes its...disappointing...
Like when you do everything someone asks of you, and you slip up once, then you fail.
I feel like an outsider everywhere I am.
Hopefully, college will change that.

Speaking of which, I'm registering tomorrow; oaying for my courses, buying my books [well, my dad is...], and finally signing up for financial aid. Yippee.
So excited.

And I've finally found a place where I can go for comfort, to feel important, loved, cared for and not judged. I'm so happy...because I have a sanctuary I can go to whenever I feel unsafe, or scared, or unloved, or just in need of people who love me and love God. My heart is seriously full of love to the people that opened up that door for me...and I am so thankful for them...

Je t'aime. <3

Oww

I pinched the skin on my eyelid trying to curl my eyelashes today...
And it's swolennn.

It hurts...

Palm Springs until Saturday.
That should be funnn. :D

08.14.08

I love life.
I love you.